Bury me softly in this world,

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 02:42:46 GMT

83 days till I turn 21!

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 04:28:58 GMT

Definately the best part of Nine Inch Nails the other night was "The Fragile" live. Perfection.

Third time seeing them, I think the last concert I went to was a better show, light wise. But, this one did have it's moments. All in all, a great time. I heard it may be the last tour Trent Reznor is doing for a while (they ALL always say that though, don't they? And then two years later they're back on stage) so I'm glad I was able to catch them. :]

Fri, 22 May 2009 01:16:43 GMT

'sup getting my own apartment?!

yes, in less than a week I'll be in my own place, with my own rooms, paying my own rent, without any parental units bitchin' and moanin'. It's only been 20 years, but my God I feel like I've been living at home forever.

plus sides of apartment
+washer and dryer IN the apartment--no laundry coin-op for me bitches!!
+2 rooms not just a studio
+rents wicked cheap
+living with my babylove<33
+landlords are wicked chill

I'm beyond excited. now all I need to do is get a better job and get back in school within the next year or so and my life will finally be back on track.

Planet, schmanet, Janet.

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 20:02:33 GMT

Don't get strung out by the way I look,
Don't judge a book by it's cover;
I'm not much of a man by the light of day,
But by night I'm one hell of a lover;
I'm just a sweet transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 20:31:57 GMT

Et il est un jour arrivé
Marteler le ciel
Et marteler la mer

Et la mer avait embrassé moi
Et la délivré moi de ma cellule

Rien ne peut m'arrêter maintenant

I can feel you, even so far away.

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 21:58:24 GMT

will she come? is there hope for me?
after all is said and done.
anything at any price
all of this for you.
all the spoils of a wasted life,
all of this for you.
all the world has closed her eyes, tired faith all worn and thin.
for all we could have done.
for all that could have been.
ocean pulls me close, and whispers in my ear.
the destiny i've chose,
all becoming clear.
the currents have their say, the time is drawing near.
washes me
away
makes me
disappear.

hello 2009. all I ask of this year is simple: same love, new apartment, fall semester 09 somewhere nice. yes? yes.

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 21:41:16 GMT

I often wondered when I was in high-school why I wasn't one of the cool kids that started early with drugs and alcohol (at that, why I haven't even really started yet at twenty). I had all the perfect opportunities, an endless amount of fucked up family members to heavily sedate my young, naive veins, but I never did. It wasn't because I wanted to be straight-edge, those kids who want to so heavily fasten onto a tight knit group, just as tight as their jeans. I always questioned why I didn't get fucked up, even though at the same time I knew the answer--it just wasn't for me. And now, at twenty, only a few years older, I still feel the same--I question why not, but knowing why. Because I don't want to.

I don't know, I guess when you are home with a sore throat your mind just tends to wander and debate silly little things, especially when you finish all the books you have at your disposal. This isn't a post to sort of put-down those who experiment, because secretly I have the upmost respect for them. While it's not my cup of tea, I'm so proud that there are people in this world that do what they want. I'm so sick of hearing "this will give you cancer," that I relish in the fact that there are still people in the world who don't give a shit, give a metaphorically finger in the air to health and awareness and live their lives. Sure, the chances of dying young are great, but maybe they have the secret to life.

Or maybe I do. Who knows! Maybe dying young and living fun is the secret. Maybe staying true to yourself, even if that means feeling like an outsider who has no interest in taking risks, is the secret. Maybe my secret, a bookworm with a full time job and an amazing girlfriend, is no different than of a partying, self-loving, light of the room's secret.

I guess I just like to get into other people's heads. I like to try to imagine what they see, how they feel, what they experience. I do this as best I can without changing me. I'll imagine what it'd be like to be high as a kite, but I'll never even attempt to actually get high. And, out of all the things I've done, this is what I'm most proud of. I may be a totally loser and geek to most, but I'm not changing myself. I'm not starting to smoke because someone who feels cooler than me (but totally isn't) insists. I'm not binge drinking in an apartment with a bunch of other people I barely know to feel accepted, because I'm already accepted. I'm accepted by the parents I never talk to, the friends I've lost, the girlfriend I live with, and most importantly, myself. I'm proud that I never changed. Not even for the better. I've kept my flaws, and dear God, I flaunt them.

Hmm, maybe this Tylenol Cold shit is working a little overload on my brain. Because, it's been a long while since I've felt like writing like this. I guess, just all in all, I'm in a very loving mood. I love me for me. And I love you for you. And, that, is that. My life is peaceful and happy. There are no bumps. There are no dramatic pauses. It's just one steady good vibe. Things suck, sure, like work, but by the end of the night nothing is so horrific that my warm blankets and the warm body next to me can't fix.

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 17:02:31 GMT

It's almost the holiday season! Soon Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then the New Years! I was going to stress about the usual--money for bills while also money for gifts, but I'm not gonna'. It's all smooth sailing. Stressless holiday season. Yes m'am.

I'm crazily happily in love still, and it's amazing. Even though I say stupid things time to time, even though I can be a brat and not express when I'm aggravated and let it turn into a huge thing, I'm still crazily happily in love. Yessir.

That's all!

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 01:45:14 GMT

Ayyiii yiii yiii. So, let's see...

I'm now twenty! Finallyyyy, just one more year to go! But, I don't even drink now, so I guess there isn't a huge rush!

Jackie turns twenty three in three days! We celebrated both our birthdays tonight with her family.

Just got back from vacation, went to NH to the cabin for a few days. It was awesome to just get away from work and everything else that just stresses us out and just relax. Went on a few day trips and I bought Jackie an XBOX360 for her birthday while we were up there. Right now we're in the middle of this LEGO Indy game, which came free with the system, and I have to admit I'm addicted! haha Also got Silent Hill Homecoming (Jesus! I didn't even KNOW there was another SH game coming out, shows how little I follow that anymore, huh?) I'm only in the second level, but so far so good (although, much to my nonsurprise, I remembered how awful I've become at playing games like these.)

I don't think there is really much more to say. Jackie has a migrane so I'm just trying to give her space so she can nap, and I just came here. It's almost Thanksgiving time, which makes me really hungry for turkey and mashed potatoes! Yayayayayayayyyy.

OH! Duh! I got to meet Holley, finally. She flew out with her baby, Anika. It was more than slightly awkward at first, 'cause you're just kinda' thrown into this whole "Okay, meet your half sister who you've never met before in front of every family member possible" sorta' deal, but she's wicked cool. She's definately a wild child, like Stacey, but we had our eerie similiarites as well. And Anika was wicked adorable. It made me want to have my own baby...but then not. haha

Laa dee laaa laaa. I'm updating like I'm twelve again, haha. But, yuppp that's it, I guess I'll go play some more Silent Hill, even though I'm sure it'll creep into my dreams some how (I've been wicked dream-y lately, and really weird ones at that.)

Muaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

///go back to sleep.

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 18:41:50 GMT

Hey Fall,
It's almost the middle of September, and it's still a little too hot out. So, could you hurry it up a tad bit, because I'd really love to wear all my sweatshirts and long sleeves already.

I want to go Apple Picking! And decorate pumpkins! And walk in the brisk weather while my nose and cheeks turn pink! I want to start to see my breathe at night, I want to be able to turn the ACs off, I want to wrap myself up in the cold weather and remember what it's like to feel autumn. The colors, smells, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Topsfield Fair. I want to feel Fall in my heart, I want the wind to pass through my bones and make my slightly shiver all over with goosebumps. I want to be excited about my favorite season, I want to watch everything grow gently silent as the sun sets earlier. I want to feel all the beautiful words and poetry inside of me and not have a care to write them all down, but rather just bask with them in my head in my selfish desires.

Beautiful, huh?

ignore the smoke.

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 17:10:28 GMT

okay, so here is my monthly post! lets see. work, yet again, in a few hours. la dee laa daaa working at a movie theatre is the pitts. working nights and weekends, missing my babe all the time. ahhh well saaaayyyllllaaveee.

lets rave a little. i havent been this happy for quite a long while. like, honest happy. not any of the "well, it could be worse" or "well, this is nice while this isnt so great" sorta shit. like, legit happy. smiling all the time, no fear, no worries, laughs and giggles and heartfelt i love yous non stop. and its not because she buys me diamond rings, or because she gets my lips tattooed on her neck, but because when i talk she listens. she knows the faces i make when i stress. she knows i love to read and doesnt mind spending an hour in the bookstore as i casually read the backcover of everything i see, and thinks its funny that i'll pick the same book up three times before setting my heart on it. she doesnt mind doing puzzles on a saturday night instead of going out drinking. she'll hold my hair when we go out drinking. she doesnt mind my crazy curly hair when i wake up, or my smudged eyeliner on my cheeks. because when she looks at me i feel right, i feel fine, i feel good. i feel loved. and i love that. because she is a she and not a he.

i had to loose a lot for this. and, i was nervous at first, but now i have no regrets. what i lost scales nothing compared to her. and i know there are a bunch of people on the outside that are just waiting for this to end. for me to "wake up" and realize i want a guy again. for me to get out of this phase. but, then again, there is a reason they are on the outside, isn't it?

la la la laaaaaaaaa dont you hate happy posts? they aren't nearly half as interesting as sad ones. but, this is what my life has been as of late. happy posts. nothing but happy posts.

and she doesnt mind when i look drunk.

or when i scrunch up my face.

p.s. melissa is equally as awesome.

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 16:52:05 GMT

I turn twenty in like four months. Ummm, hey talk about being old, haha. Friday I got wicked drunk, I drank a third of vodka in less than a half hour, and spent the entire night throwing up on a kitchen floor as my best friend slept her third of the bottle off and as my girlfriend cuddled me with a blanket and pillow. haha. Work has been pretty decent lately, but really work is work, so what is more to say? awkward. ive been passing my geeky reading habits onto melissa, yeahhyeahhh. umm, jackie is incrediable and i cant be happier with anyone else at the moment. id like to go to more random parties with random people in the near random future. i should jump in the shower and go to work. and i dont really know why im updating this, cause i never do, and i really have nothing to say, but um yeah. haha. what you know about that? i feel like im going to explode with all my optimistic opportunities. and thats a really, really, really good thing, love. thats another good thing, too. love. and friendship. and you. and me. and her. and not you. and books. and nice weather. and presummer rain. and converse and jeans. and grilled cheeses. thats my life. and this is the end.

peace.

sickman,sickman,sickman,sickman,ahhhhhhhh.

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 05:28:53 GMT

Happy Easter!

SIC TATS WITH THE BEST FRIEND.
I missed her face. I need the Spanishness more often.

But, in real news: NEW TATTOO IN MAY?! Yeaaaaaaaaaahyaaaaa. Me&Melissa are going for round two with our tax returns. What to get, what to get...

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 16:24:53 GMT

I can feel the warm weather in the cold rain. It's scratching at my skin, spring is almost here, spring is almost here.

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 06:32:33 GMT

My insomnia is kicking it full throttle lately. Or maybe it's indeed the Full Throttle I drank an hour ago. Either one, I can't sleep.

I paid for my sister's abortion yesterday. I think I'm having buyer's remorse. I don't know how I feel about it all, and to make it worse I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. My seventeen year old sister shouldn't be having sex. She should be playing in a sandbox or something, somewhere. I'm the first-born, I get the privilege of starting sex at seventeen, not her. She needs to stay my baby sister. Not my sister with a baby.

I have an itch to be creative lately. I want to paint anything I can get my hands on. I want to write on every little scrap of paper. I want to sing every song horridly. I want to scratch my itch.

Things are very up and down lately, but I can feel it starting to end. I think being all over the place is worse than being a constant downer or a constant upper. When everyday is a new mood it can get frustrating, and when it comes down to every minute being a battle of moods--God save us all. But, like I said I can feel it ending, on a high note at that. I feel good. I want to feel good. I should feel good. I will feel good. Simple as that.

Goodnight.

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 19:05:58 GMT

I heardddd I'm still aliiiiiiiveeeeeee.

Shit's been crazy busy lately. Like, so busy that I barely have time to sleep, busy. It's weird. And nice.

A thousand ways to make it true, I want to do terrible things to you.

I've been reading really good books lately. So good I should have read them YEARS ago, even if they weren't published, they're THAT good. To me, anyways.

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be the sun in someone else's sky, but whyyyy, whyyyy, whyyy can't it be mine?

I remember I had this manager at LTM and he loved Pearl Jam so I went on and on describing the end of "Black" and how in late summer on a hot, sticky night it came on at two in the morning on 'BCN and how I was just so drained and how it just led me to tears. And how I turned off my little hunkajunk AC and rolled down the window to feel the heat. To have the humidity reside on my face, to feel the brunt of the summer burn, because I needed it to be real. I needed the heat to make me feel human, because up to that point I wasn't anything near right. And after I was done he went to his car, got the CD, and we played it in the back office in silence, not listening to the words but listening to how it made us feel. That memory flashes back everytime. It's like I'm foiling the two; this is how I felt, this is how I feel, and don't you dare fucking forget it, Lacey. Everytime you let it slip, when you laugh, when you get caught up in the feeling, don't you dare fucking forget.

DARKTIME.

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 05:07:30 GMT

Haha, so I found this and I love how it describes my life, in a nutshell.

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 08:16:52 GMT

Yessssir 2008.

New Years Eve can be described with these pictures.

Peace 2007.

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 23:23:24 GMT

I run into the most awkward situations sometimes.

I bought the latest from Kanye West and Modest Mouse today. Wicked good.

Honestly? Like, honestly-honestly?

Tomorrow is New Years Eve. I'm so glad 2007 is over, I've been over it for a couple months now.

Make a move already.

2008 is going to hold: good times, good love, good tunes. Word.

Life is a, uh, depending on how you dress her.
So if the Devil wear Prada,
Adam Eve wear nada,
I'm somewhere in between but way more fresher.

Wed, 26 Dec 2007 07:30:13 GMT

-
-
-
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I miss being in love and everything that goes along with that.
Being the reason someone wakes up smiling.
Having someone's hand to hold when watching a movie.
Listening to me go on and on while I late-night ramble as they lay next to me as I toss and turn.
Who gives me new music to listen to.
Gives me the whole deal: heart fluttering, stuttering and nervous laughs.
Thinks I'm beautiful with and without all my mascara and make up.
Will laugh at me when I get angry while driving.
Dance with me in a deserted parking lot with the car stereo blaring.
Reads next to me in bed.
Understands that I'm awkwardly shy and thinks it's charming.
Doesn't mind when I talk too much.
To kiss when I wake in the morning.
Spends whole days with me and doesn't think twice about it.
Accepts I'm a workaholic.
Calls me and understands that I'm weird that I can't call them because I get nervous that they are too busy and won't want to talk to me and will take everything too personally when it's just something so silly.
Won't laugh or judge me on how terrible my singing voice is as I hum in the car.
Loves that while I play a girly exterior that secretly, deep down inside I love being a tomboy.
Expects me to order chicken fingers no matter where we go, and wouldn't have it any other way.
Will let me love them with everything I've got, no holding back.
Lets me play with their hair.
Hold my hand until we fall asleep.
Saying "I love you" and meaning it.
-
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-
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I'm in a weird mood. I've over-analyzed everything to death where I see no good and now I'm just sort of reminiscing. I feel like I need something exciting. Someone lovable. Someone who will whisper in my ear and make my whole body shake. Someone I can make happy. More that than anything I miss the most. I miss making someone smile, someone nervous, someone loved.

I'm going to go listen to Sean Paul in my room for the next three hours as I toss and turn. Let's get it on, till the early morn', girl it's all good just turn me on.

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 19:24:16 GMT

Melissa left Wednesday night and she'll be gone for almost an entire month. Arrgggg! :(

A wicked cute boy gave me a wicked cute tape that I wicked can't get over. Wickedly. :)

I know I said the snow was beautiful and everything, but I'm already sick of shoveling. I'm sick of scraping the ice off my windows everyday, sick of all the icky slush on the streets. I can't wait for spring. For walks without heavy jackets and gloves, for BULLET BULLET on my back porch, driving with the windows down, and sitting around in backyards on grass laughing, loving, drinking, and taking pictures.

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 02:11:49 GMT

Work was stressful, driving was unbearable, and something I was really looking forward to didn't get to happen because of all this silly snow.

Buuuuuuuuut I can't really stay mad because it hasn't been this beautiful out for a while.

I love it when it's all quiet out and you can actually hear the snow hitting the ground. And aside from that, the only other real noise you hear is your feet crunching the snow. And it's not cold, when there is no breeze; just snow, falling straight down.

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 05:54:54 GMT

There's a part, at the end, where a piano softely fades away and you'd declare it was the perfection of the entire album. It's my favorite part, and I think so many miss it. Tune down the world, empty your mind, and turn up the volume.

And I guess I just wanted to tell you, as the lights start to fade,
That you are the reason that I am not afraid.
And I guess I just wanted to mention, as the heavens will fall,
We will be together soon if we will be anything at all.

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 03:06:16 GMT

I feel awfully restless lately. Restless for getting off shift. Restless for the night. Restless for sleep. Restless for fun. Restless for love. Restless for life. Restless for me. It's not a terrible feeling, it's just annoying sometimes. It's like an itch under the skin, pain in the butt but no big pain.

There is a lot of beauty in my life, and for that I'm so grateful. Even if you don't see it, even if I don't see it, I know it's there. It just takes me time to realize.

Pictures in a box at home,
Yellowing and green with mold,
So I can barely see your face,
Wonder how that color tastes.

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:56:45 GMT

Beep beep, here I come AMC Methuen. Hello long sleeves and a lot more responsability! This is either going to be the worst or best decision; I feel like it's the worst, but all optimism from now on, ya dig?

So, hello looking for an apartment. Oh jesus!